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Tim in Omaha
Posts:589
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| 10/10/2007 1:01 PM |
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Brent Wasenius/High Five
Hello everyone, I’m Howie Mandel. Welcome to tonight’s sports version of “Deal or No Deal.” Our contestant tonight is from Lincoln, Neb. He has a penchant for speaking like Barney Rubble, talking out of both sides of his mouth and taking too long to send in plays. Say hello to Nebraska football coach Bill Callahan.
Callahan: Hey, Howie, great program. Great set here. Great haircut. Program is one of the best around.
Mandel: Thanks, coach. You know how our game is played. We have 15 cases here with varying degrees of pre-determined football success. You pick one and that is yours. Out of the 15 cases one contains our grand prize …#8220; a recipe for a national championship. There are several other great attributes available in the cases for a football team, but there are also many traits that a coach wants to avoid, including being the laughingstock of the Big 12. The risk comes as you eliminate cases. Understand?
Callahan: Howie, I just want to say you are great with Kelly Ripa on that morning program.
Mandel: OK, Bill, you have chosen No. 12. Any significance for that?
Callahan: Hey, that’s the number of games I lost during my last season with the Raiders in 2003.
Mandel: OK, Bill. I have some bad news for you. We usually have gorgeous women out here holding the cases. Unfortunately, they heard Bob Stoops was in the next studio so they all went to see him. We do have some replacements here, however. These are players from opposing schools that you helped elevate to All-American status. No. 13 is Nate Davis of Ball State. He threw for more than 400 yards against you. Next to Nate is Missouri tight end Martin Rucker and I’m sure you know Iowa State wide receiver Todd Blythe ...
Callahan: Great football players. Can we get on with this?
Mandel: OK, in this game we have you pick six cases at a time. Six, as in the number of wins you would need to get to a bowl game. Or six, as in the number of yards opponents get on you on first down.
Callahan: Open the cases. Are you a hillbilly from Oklahoma?
Mandel: The first one off the board has a picture of Neil Smith, Broderick Thomas and Jason Peter. It is called Blackshirt tradition. Ouch, that was one of the biggies.
Callahan: Never heard of them. Did they play baseball?
Mandel: Next off the board is a case that has a picture of Tyrone Williams, Michael Booker and Brian Davis called cornerbacks who can cover. That one also hurts.
Callahan: Williams, Booker and Davis. Those guys handled my lawsuit against the Raiders.
Mandel: Not quite, but these next four cases are things you are very familiar with and are probably glad to get off the board. They are: Harrison Beck, Blue Chip Busts, Dissed by Josh Freeman and Being Gary Pinkel’s ... well, I can’t say that on national television.
Callahan: Now I’m cooking like Quentin Castille running against Nevada. Did you see that, Howie? I beat Nevada. They are a good football team.
Mandel: Now is the time on our show that we introduce your friends who are here to help you as things get a little tougher and trickier. The first person hates the media as much as he likes changing defensive schemes at halftime. He lists his hobbies as getting chased out of Wisconsin and saving opposing offensive coordinators their jobs, say hello to Kevin Cosgrove.
Cosgrove: Do I have to be here?
Mandel: Yes, you do. I must say, Bill. I’ve been doing this show for more than a year now. It is great that you brought Kevin, but did you really need to bring a Sears mannequin with him.
Callahan: Sorry, Howie. That isn’t a mannequin, that is my athletic director. Say hi to Steve Pederson.
Pederson: Bill will not stand by and let Oklahoma or Texas win the grand prize in this game. He has my total vote of confidence. Bill, you are doing such a fine job that I’m giving you a 15 percent raise and extending your contract to 2025. He’s the best coach in America.
Mandel: He really hasn’t done anything other than he’s already taken away the Blackshirt tradition off the board and he doesn’t have any corners who can cover.
Pederson: Exactly.
Mandel: OK, Bill has chosen six more cases. I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you’ve picked overrated linebackers and 6-4 receivers who sit on the bench. The bad news is you’ve also taken off the Bowl Championship Series, what Devaney and Osborne established, the offensive line pipeline and state pride. Yikes.
Callahan: Hey, I got state pride. I’m from Chicago. Ask me what Chicago’s capitol is.
Mandel: You are down to three cases. One contains the ingredients for a national championship. The other two aren’t exactly what you came here for. Excuse me while I take a call from the banker. (Pause) OK, Bill, he said you should take this offer.
Callahan: Howie, what is it?
Mandel: The offer is that Nebraska buys out the rest of your contract. You let Cosgrove go back to Wisconsin and let Pederson return to his job at Sears, I mean, do whatever he does.
Callahan: Hey, that’s not a good enough offer. I’m here to win this thing. I’m sticking with the case I got. No deal, Howie. Hey, your haircut. Weren’t you married to Demi Moore?
Mandel: OK, the final two cases that are not yours will be opened. It looks like one of them contains the ingredients to a national championship. The other is passion to play football for the University of Nebraska. They are both gone.
Pederson: It is fine, Bill. We don’t need a national championship to show we’ve restored the order. Open your case, Billy C.
Callahan: What’s it say, Howie?
Mandel: Sorry, Bill, but you should’ve taken the banker’s offer when you had the chance. Your case contains the combination of deep fan resentment and unhappy boosters. You are about as popular in Nebraska as Warren Sapp.
Callahan: Hey, Warren Sapp. Good football player. Good frame.
Mandel: That does it for tonight’s episode of “Deal or No Deal.” I’m Howie Mandel. I’m proud to announce NBC has already renewed the show for the 2008 season. I’ll be back next season, but I don’t know if the same can be said about tonight’s guest.
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Dwight- bonehead, bozo, bungler, clod, dolt, fool, idiot, jerk, oaf
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Logan
Posts:2491
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| 10/10/2007 3:23 PM |
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| too funny!! |
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dwight, refuting reality one post at a time. |
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vranged
Posts:2594
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| 10/10/2007 4:47 PM |
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This may not be as funny as some of the others, but I'm sure Callahan-haters will find it entertaining....
http://www.firesteve.com/real_men_of_genius-callahan.mp3 |
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After acknowledging that he was desperate, Dwight said "people will resort to saying things they know aren't true when they are desperate." That about sums it up! |
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DMan
Posts:0
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| 10/10/2007 5:42 PM |
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| Those were both extremely stupid. |
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Logan
Posts:2491
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| 10/10/2007 11:09 PM |
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Posted By DMan on 10/10/2007 5:42 PM
Those were both extremely stupid.
and you know your stupid. |
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dwight, refuting reality one post at a time. |
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DMan
Posts:0
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| 10/11/2007 1:22 PM |
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Stupid = Logan
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reideen
Posts:279
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| 10/11/2007 1:25 PM |
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"No you're stupid.
Nuh uhh. You're stupid.
I'm rubber, you're glue, bounces off me, sticks to you..."
C'mon guys. Ignore him for a week and see what happens? Please? |
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vranged
Posts:2594
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| 10/11/2007 1:29 PM |
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Sorry, reideen. Can't do it. I've never come across a person I can laugh at so easily. You think I'm giving that up?
The guy's a joke, and I think he's funny (in a laughing AT him, not WITH him sorta way) |
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After acknowledging that he was desperate, Dwight said "people will resort to saying things they know aren't true when they are desperate." That about sums it up! |
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egami
Posts:4990
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| 10/11/2007 1:40 PM |
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reideen is trying to make essentially the same point I was in another thread...Dman has less of these encounters with myself and reideen because we aren't fueling him.
Dman is a tool in many regards, but in fairness much of the bantering toward him (from all angles) is equally toolish.
Ideally, everyone would be willing to commit to stepping it up a notch. It's one thing when it's a singular topic on a thread, but when it permeates the board then it's just plain stupid. |
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Posted By Omahan on 06/16/2008 12:28 PM
I am actually desperate today.
Posted By Omahan on 06/16/2008 12:47 PM
They say...people will resort to saying things they know aren't true when they are desperate.
Posted By Omahan on 07/18/2008 1:47 PM
And you have on cue demonstrated what I have hallucinated from day one in regards to you.
Posted by Omahan on 07/23/2008 10:25 AM
I actually created Fergie in part to attack you Crit without you knowing it was me. Some of your takes were so lame that I almost came at you as myself a few time... |
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Crit40
Posts:2216
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| 10/11/2007 1:45 PM |
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On the old board it was "trolling". On the new its "tooling". What a bunch of trolling tools! |
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Counting the Herd one hoof at a time. |
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Logan
Posts:2491
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| 10/11/2007 2:11 PM |
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Posted By DMan on 10/11/2007 1:22 PM
Stupid = Logan
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my god this is what you've been reduced to. |
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dwight, refuting reality one post at a time. |
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Crit40
Posts:2216
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| 10/11/2007 9:49 PM |
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Actually, he was on Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader. Out on 1st Grade Defensive Strategies.  |
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Counting the Herd one hoof at a time. |
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Blackshirt
Posts:519
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| 10/11/2007 10:28 PM |
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| I think the defensive strategy last week came down to Cosgrove on the sideline muttering, "No whammies. No whammies." |
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"Perhaps the worst thing that can happen is to reach into the refrigerator and come out with something that you cannot identify at all. You literally do not know what it is. Could be meat, could be cake. Usually, at a time like that, I'll bluff. "Honey, is this good?" "Well, what is it?" "I don't know. I've never seen anything like it. It looks like...meatcake!" "Well, smell it." (snort, sniff) "It has absolutely no smell whatsoever!" "It's good! Put it back! Somebody is saving it. It'll turn up in something." Thats what frightens me. That someone will consider it a challenge and use it just because it's in there." -- George Carlin |
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Logan
Posts:2491
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| 10/11/2007 10:34 PM |
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Posted By Blackshirt on 10/11/2007 10:28 PM
I think the defensive strategy last week came down to Cosgrove on the sideline muttering, "No whammies. No whammies."
oh sh!t i about hacked a lung after reading that one. |
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dwight, refuting reality one post at a time. |
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Crit40
Posts:2216
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| 10/12/2007 8:18 AM |
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Posted By Blackshirt on 10/11/2007 10:28 PM
I think the defensive strategy last week came down to Cosgrove on the sideline muttering, "Big Stop! Big Stop! No whammies. No whammies."
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Counting the Herd one hoof at a time. |
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